I'm kind of a chicken-shit

Things have been pretty tough lately. Half the friends I had at work were laid off which means extra work is piled on me with no extra pay, car problems have meant I am going broke trying to pass a damn inspection, and I can't find a way to interupt my boyfriends fantasies about us with the reality that his girlfriend is not quite "right." So when Anna called me and wanted to have some drinks after work on Friday, I was all about it.

We went to the old dive and had a few pitchers of beer with some deep fried seafood. I know I have been feeling stressed lately, so that beer called me harder than it usually does when I go out with friends, and before we both knew better, we were on number five. I guess she has been hating her job too. Interestingly, though, our conversation veered from hateful "She-Bitch" coworkers to other topics. Topics I have never broached with her in the past. We talked about my sexuality, on a level I hadn't seen coming.

I felt the need to tell Anna the truth, but part of me was still afraid. I did, however, mention to her that my boyfriend recently told me his friends had mentioned I seemed very "masculine" in my ideals, and that I had "gay tendancies" that he hadn't really noticed before. I asked her if she agreed. She told me she did...kinda.

I must admit, with all the emotional drinking I have been doing lately, five pitchers wasn't quite enough to get me to the "confess all" moment, so I did the only logical thing. I ordered another. We drank more, and I listened to her tell me how she thinks its not as weird as the bf makes it seem that I find girls attractive, and how she likes how I can be myself and not care what they say about me. She then asked if I ever find girls who aren't famous or cliché pretty.

"Like who?" I asked.

"You know, like...your friends or whatever," she coaxed.

I ordered another pitcher. I changed the subject, way to abruptly and guzzled my beer before she could say more. She kept trying to go back to the convo, and I kept bugging the strange drunk guy at the next table so she couldn't. When it was time to go, we stumbled out, arm in arm and hugged goodbye, making plans for our bbq the next day. She came too. But when she came up to me, grabbed my arm, and told me we needed to continue our conversation from the night before, I got scared. What, scared. I was chicken-shit. I grabbed another good friend and made her come outside with us, wouldn't leave myself alone with her, and ran inside the second a seat at the poker table opened up. I didn't want her to know. I am not really sure why I told her, but she can't hate me for it, right? Even, when she had to get up to leave, she kissed me right on the lips, in front of everyone. Sure, its a friend-kiss, and I get that. But why then? Why like that? I came that far, only to bitch out at the last minute. Story of my life. Part of me wishes I had never said a word; the other part wishes I would tell her everything. Ah, Sy. Stupid, stupid girl...

Starting to go BAT-SHIT INSANE!

This is crazy. Sometimes I wonder how the hell I have survived this long. Movies, TV, and the media, they all tend to glamorize the "double life" mentality. In any form, it is believed that if you have some secret hidden life that no one in your daily grind knows about, you are somehow cooler or superior until in some characteristically Hollywood fashion, you are taken down by your own demons or bad guys or, in family movies, a dog or a pigeon or some other retarded thing.

Wouldn't even be that bad if that was the only thing wrong in my life. Or if I were famous, or rich, or a doll baby of the public in some other way. Fact is, the rest of us have to deal with our daily bullshit as normal people are wont to do. In horribly dysfunctional, often increasingly problematic, and never helpful ways that lead to miserable breakdowns and alcohol dependency. Sure, some celebs go down the same path, but at least people recognize them when they walk down the street and throw money at them for no good reason. I don't have that luxury. Combine the craziness of a sexually-enigmatic-meets-self-loathing personality with problems at work, a confusing past, shaky future, and a new found addiction to twitter and you have the mess that is Sy.

Maybe I should be happy. Or maybe I should take five Zanex and rock it comatose for a few days. Perhaps then I won't spread the insanity. Shit seems catchier than the swine flu right about now. It does help to know that I am not alone though. Those of us who are bat-shit insane, unite! It is time to take over the world...

Her...

It's not going to work. Trying to pretend I am someone else after all these years is not happening for me. I love my life the way it is and yet it is incomplete. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Stupid, stupid Sy. I thought that keeping a journal of events, of my feelings, thoughts and experiences both past and present would help me get over all this. Or at least come to some sort of terms with it. Ha, yeah, right.

Can I tell you? Me and my boyfriend have sex more than ever because of this shit. Back to the sex that seemed to wipe my memory of any and everything I am going through. I can faithfully say I thought this was the end of it. Why? I don't know...this isn't the first time I have tried to put my past behind me. I guess I felt like since I was making an honest effort this time, it would work. Stupid, like I said. Mmmm...but the sexual attraction is still there. And its getting worse...fuck, I'm going to bed...to dream...of her...

The grocery store girl

I got hit on by a girl at the grocery store the other day. Not that unusual to get hit on by either sex at least once in a blue moon, but this time, my boyfriend was right there with me. On the few occasions that I have been approached by a guy while he was around, I would merely make it obvious we were together and that was that. But come on? How many times does a girl even hit on another girl without first knowing if she even swings that way first? Maybe that's why, for the first few minutes, I didn't even get it.

She was helping us bag our groceries when she started talking to me. I must admit, she was quite cute in a slightly boyish way. Sweet smile, sandy blond hair, and a light sprinkle of freckles, which I adore anyway. But I honestly hadn't even been looking at her like that. She began asking about the beer we were buying, telling me about a type she enjoys, and before I knew it, my boyfriend was poking me in the ribs and winking at me. She went from idle chit chat to how she was going out, that I should totally go, she knows a place that serves the beer she mentioned, she would totally buy the first round, etc. She was so slick that I didn't even notice that she was finished bagging us up, my boyfriend was standing behind me with the heavy groceries, and we were still talking. Wow, talk about an airhead moment. She even said I should ask for her next time I come in. Sweet...

I must admit, I was flattered. She was younger, obviously quite confident, and picked me of all people to try her game on. That doesn't happen that often to me, guy or girl. And as soon as those automatic doors closed behind us on the way out, the bf immediately blurts out "She liikkes you!" I'm sure I blushed a little. Even still, ego boost duly noted.

All girl is all better (club that is...)

I had a fabulous time one eve last week. It all started when my bff Tiffany convinced me to go out with her and our friend Tanja to a local gay club. Odd thing is, while I have been to many "gay" clubs that tend to be half or mostly male oriented, this was honestly the first time I could say I have been to an all girl lesbian club. I must say, I had a blast. If you are a fan of yuri (as in anime), a gay girl club is not a bad place to be. Plus, you get to avoid the annoyance of being hit on by random drunk guys which is a total plus, but I digress.

The way the girls interact with one another is unusual but very pleasing. In a straight club, two girls kissing always mean they are trying to rile up a group of guys somewhere near by. It is always some softcore sloppy tongue kiss with a bit of boob groping. Bleh. Since there really no guys in the club we went to, you know that is not the case (not that they would want to anyway). Plus, they are more sensual, more emotional with each other. Holding, cuddling, even when not really thinking about it.

Even the way a girl hits on you in a club like this is different. When a woman approches you, it is always calm and nonthreatening. Now that is not to say she is meek or shy or anything like that. Quite the contrary actually. They seem to have more confidence, more know-how in the way of approaching another woman. Even after explaining that I am straight, their light touches or continuing conversation didn't feel pushy like it seems when a guy does the same. I even accepted a few dances from some of the girls, both femme and stud.

By the by, stud is something totally new to me. Not that I haven't seen lesbians who tend to be more masculine, I never knew it was a bit of a subculture. And while I, myself, am not really attracted to it, I can see the appeal and enjoyed hanging out with them as well. The oddest thing for me I think was to watch a stud dance quite provocatively with a girl and then do the same with another stud. There are no lines and that is cool, kinda like how I usually feel. All things considered, I had a great time, and no matter how things go, I wouldn't mind going back. Who knew?