There are times when I drift off, thinking about what kind of person I have become. I sit here, wondering if anyone really understands what I am going through, what is happening in my mind when I think the things I think, and want the things I want.
I find myself troubled by the notion that I can be emotionally invested in a person and at the same time physically attracted to them with absolutely no desire for the two to overlap. Quite the opposite actually. My closest friends are few and far in between. They mean the world to me. So why on earth would I be willing to compromise everything for a sexual attraction that isn’t even supposed to go anywhere?
I really do feel like there’s something wrong with me. I suppose most people would agree, which is why I loathe bringing it up at all. I suppose writing is my only outlet, and the chance that someone else out there might be like me is my only hope. I don’t even want to feel like this. It’s hard. When my friend comes to me with a problem, I want to be there for her. I should be there for her. And yet when it happens, it can get so overwhelming to try to separate the two personalities and I fail her. What is wrong with me? For years I have been able to suppress this desire, but it seems to come back with a vengeance, getting steadily stronger as I get older.
I hate myself sometimes because of this. I mean, I love my friends as if they were my family. They are always there for me, at any turn. I owe them the same. But during these crazy moments, when my head can’t seem to let go of what my body is telling me, it’s like they don’t matter anymore. At least not in that way. All I can think about, all I can see is her lips before me, her eyes gazing into mine, and I want to be with her more than ever.
When everything is in good spirits and we are having fun, I don’t feel guilty about the way I feel. It’s the days she comes to me dismayed about her soon to be husband or stressed about work, I feel like shit. I find myself so wrapped up in this twisted obsession with her that I can’t even focus on her words, instead I wind up doing one of two things. Either I ignore her entirely by pretending to be busy or unavailable, or I let myself fall into this insanity again, taking her for drinks while fawning over her every word, not really hearing them but pretending to. I beg her to stay, all the while keeping the drinks flowing in hopes that this time it will be different. And what if it was? What then? What if it really happened this time? Am I really okay with hurting those that matter to me the most merely because I can’t let go of the moment?
The latter happened to me again this weekend, and I spent the next few days trying to figure out how I could have let this happen again. I barely remember a word that was spoken, but her rosy lips and beautiful eyes are vibrant in my mind. I spent my weekend drinking the pain away once again. God I’m a bad person. I just don’t know where to turn or what to do. I am so, so sorry. I really hate myself right now…
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