I'm kind of a chicken-shit

Things have been pretty tough lately. Half the friends I had at work were laid off which means extra work is piled on me with no extra pay, car problems have meant I am going broke trying to pass a damn inspection, and I can't find a way to interupt my boyfriends fantasies about us with the reality that his girlfriend is not quite "right." So when Anna called me and wanted to have some drinks after work on Friday, I was all about it.

We went to the old dive and had a few pitchers of beer with some deep fried seafood. I know I have been feeling stressed lately, so that beer called me harder than it usually does when I go out with friends, and before we both knew better, we were on number five. I guess she has been hating her job too. Interestingly, though, our conversation veered from hateful "She-Bitch" coworkers to other topics. Topics I have never broached with her in the past. We talked about my sexuality, on a level I hadn't seen coming.

I felt the need to tell Anna the truth, but part of me was still afraid. I did, however, mention to her that my boyfriend recently told me his friends had mentioned I seemed very "masculine" in my ideals, and that I had "gay tendancies" that he hadn't really noticed before. I asked her if she agreed. She told me she did...kinda.

I must admit, with all the emotional drinking I have been doing lately, five pitchers wasn't quite enough to get me to the "confess all" moment, so I did the only logical thing. I ordered another. We drank more, and I listened to her tell me how she thinks its not as weird as the bf makes it seem that I find girls attractive, and how she likes how I can be myself and not care what they say about me. She then asked if I ever find girls who aren't famous or cliché pretty.

"Like who?" I asked.

"You know, like...your friends or whatever," she coaxed.

I ordered another pitcher. I changed the subject, way to abruptly and guzzled my beer before she could say more. She kept trying to go back to the convo, and I kept bugging the strange drunk guy at the next table so she couldn't. When it was time to go, we stumbled out, arm in arm and hugged goodbye, making plans for our bbq the next day. She came too. But when she came up to me, grabbed my arm, and told me we needed to continue our conversation from the night before, I got scared. What, scared. I was chicken-shit. I grabbed another good friend and made her come outside with us, wouldn't leave myself alone with her, and ran inside the second a seat at the poker table opened up. I didn't want her to know. I am not really sure why I told her, but she can't hate me for it, right? Even, when she had to get up to leave, she kissed me right on the lips, in front of everyone. Sure, its a friend-kiss, and I get that. But why then? Why like that? I came that far, only to bitch out at the last minute. Story of my life. Part of me wishes I had never said a word; the other part wishes I would tell her everything. Ah, Sy. Stupid, stupid girl...

Starting to go BAT-SHIT INSANE!

This is crazy. Sometimes I wonder how the hell I have survived this long. Movies, TV, and the media, they all tend to glamorize the "double life" mentality. In any form, it is believed that if you have some secret hidden life that no one in your daily grind knows about, you are somehow cooler or superior until in some characteristically Hollywood fashion, you are taken down by your own demons or bad guys or, in family movies, a dog or a pigeon or some other retarded thing.

Wouldn't even be that bad if that was the only thing wrong in my life. Or if I were famous, or rich, or a doll baby of the public in some other way. Fact is, the rest of us have to deal with our daily bullshit as normal people are wont to do. In horribly dysfunctional, often increasingly problematic, and never helpful ways that lead to miserable breakdowns and alcohol dependency. Sure, some celebs go down the same path, but at least people recognize them when they walk down the street and throw money at them for no good reason. I don't have that luxury. Combine the craziness of a sexually-enigmatic-meets-self-loathing personality with problems at work, a confusing past, shaky future, and a new found addiction to twitter and you have the mess that is Sy.

Maybe I should be happy. Or maybe I should take five Zanex and rock it comatose for a few days. Perhaps then I won't spread the insanity. Shit seems catchier than the swine flu right about now. It does help to know that I am not alone though. Those of us who are bat-shit insane, unite! It is time to take over the world...

Her...

It's not going to work. Trying to pretend I am someone else after all these years is not happening for me. I love my life the way it is and yet it is incomplete. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Stupid, stupid Sy. I thought that keeping a journal of events, of my feelings, thoughts and experiences both past and present would help me get over all this. Or at least come to some sort of terms with it. Ha, yeah, right.

Can I tell you? Me and my boyfriend have sex more than ever because of this shit. Back to the sex that seemed to wipe my memory of any and everything I am going through. I can faithfully say I thought this was the end of it. Why? I don't know...this isn't the first time I have tried to put my past behind me. I guess I felt like since I was making an honest effort this time, it would work. Stupid, like I said. Mmmm...but the sexual attraction is still there. And its getting worse...fuck, I'm going to bed...to dream...of her...

The grocery store girl

I got hit on by a girl at the grocery store the other day. Not that unusual to get hit on by either sex at least once in a blue moon, but this time, my boyfriend was right there with me. On the few occasions that I have been approached by a guy while he was around, I would merely make it obvious we were together and that was that. But come on? How many times does a girl even hit on another girl without first knowing if she even swings that way first? Maybe that's why, for the first few minutes, I didn't even get it.

She was helping us bag our groceries when she started talking to me. I must admit, she was quite cute in a slightly boyish way. Sweet smile, sandy blond hair, and a light sprinkle of freckles, which I adore anyway. But I honestly hadn't even been looking at her like that. She began asking about the beer we were buying, telling me about a type she enjoys, and before I knew it, my boyfriend was poking me in the ribs and winking at me. She went from idle chit chat to how she was going out, that I should totally go, she knows a place that serves the beer she mentioned, she would totally buy the first round, etc. She was so slick that I didn't even notice that she was finished bagging us up, my boyfriend was standing behind me with the heavy groceries, and we were still talking. Wow, talk about an airhead moment. She even said I should ask for her next time I come in. Sweet...

I must admit, I was flattered. She was younger, obviously quite confident, and picked me of all people to try her game on. That doesn't happen that often to me, guy or girl. And as soon as those automatic doors closed behind us on the way out, the bf immediately blurts out "She liikkes you!" I'm sure I blushed a little. Even still, ego boost duly noted.

All girl is all better (club that is...)

I had a fabulous time one eve last week. It all started when my bff Tiffany convinced me to go out with her and our friend Tanja to a local gay club. Odd thing is, while I have been to many "gay" clubs that tend to be half or mostly male oriented, this was honestly the first time I could say I have been to an all girl lesbian club. I must say, I had a blast. If you are a fan of yuri (as in anime), a gay girl club is not a bad place to be. Plus, you get to avoid the annoyance of being hit on by random drunk guys which is a total plus, but I digress.

The way the girls interact with one another is unusual but very pleasing. In a straight club, two girls kissing always mean they are trying to rile up a group of guys somewhere near by. It is always some softcore sloppy tongue kiss with a bit of boob groping. Bleh. Since there really no guys in the club we went to, you know that is not the case (not that they would want to anyway). Plus, they are more sensual, more emotional with each other. Holding, cuddling, even when not really thinking about it.

Even the way a girl hits on you in a club like this is different. When a woman approches you, it is always calm and nonthreatening. Now that is not to say she is meek or shy or anything like that. Quite the contrary actually. They seem to have more confidence, more know-how in the way of approaching another woman. Even after explaining that I am straight, their light touches or continuing conversation didn't feel pushy like it seems when a guy does the same. I even accepted a few dances from some of the girls, both femme and stud.

By the by, stud is something totally new to me. Not that I haven't seen lesbians who tend to be more masculine, I never knew it was a bit of a subculture. And while I, myself, am not really attracted to it, I can see the appeal and enjoyed hanging out with them as well. The oddest thing for me I think was to watch a stud dance quite provocatively with a girl and then do the same with another stud. There are no lines and that is cool, kinda like how I usually feel. All things considered, I had a great time, and no matter how things go, I wouldn't mind going back. Who knew?

Sometimes I just need a girls night out

If there ever was a time I needed to go have a beer with a good friend last night was it-and I didn't even know it. My best friend Tiffany called me to go have drinks at our local "Cheers" not far from where we live. We call it that because its the one place we always go, and the people know us there now. She texted about needing someone to talk to, and naturally I had to go. Its what good friends do. I am glad I did.

At first, I thought it was going to be a quick night. But we ended up chatting over a pitcher, musing over her new crush, and joking about my swinger neighbors. As conversations mixed with drinks tend to go, we soon got on the topic of sex. Then I say it.

"What if he is into girl on girl stuff? I can't even say I wouldn't do it again."

I saw her face. It was almost quizzical, like she couldn't figure out the answer to a really hard math problem. But then she did something amazing. She smiled. And kind of, agreed.

"Yeah, I'm not saying I wouldn't do it, like ever or anything. I just don't think I could get into a girl like that. That's all. And I couldn't know her. That shit would make it weird."

Okay, so she ignored the whole "again" bit. That's good. I wasn't ready for that yet. Even though Tiff is one of my best, closest and oldest friends, she never really knew about me dabbling into the other side before, or that I didn't quite give it up. We need a much longer girls night for that talk.

We went on to discuss how she feels that being with a girl is mostly foreplay, and how she kind of understands how it works out if you love someone but not if you just need a "fix" if it were, and I couldn't help but keep her talking. On our walk home, we were giddily discussing sex versus porn sex when it comes to what we would be willing to try. How we have been friends that long and never had this conversation I will never know. Maybe my little diary thing is making me just comfortable enough that I can open up with those that really do deserve to know me heart, mind, and soul.

Thanks, Tiff, for making me just that much less crazy. While it doesn't make her "yuri" or me any less so, it was oddly liberating to know that she didn't think sex, with a woman, but with no regard for a future is inherently evil. And though are views on why are different, the end is only a few beats from where I stand. So, I'm kinda not alone, right? Maybe one day, I will even be able to point to this, smile and say, "Hey, thats us...and this is me."

Perfect Sentiment

I found this while searching online...this is so beautiful, and yet strangly so sad. I hope it touches someone like it touched me.



Click it to see it bigger.

Can anyone help me in which manga this is from? I want to give the author the proper credit they deserve. Thanx.

EDIT: Thank you Erin, for identifying this piece for me! "It's from "Maria-sama ga Miteru" by Konno Oyuki and Nagasawa Satoru." She has posted a link in the comments below.

Wow...Twitter DOES rock...

I am officially addicted to twitter and my new tweeple. I know, if anyone out there really knew me personally you would know how ridiculous this seems but it is true. It really is very theraputic to have an outlet, and while it seems to have increased my thoughts about women in general, it makes me really look at myself as well. And then, with discovering twitter, I feel like I really have a chance to find someone out there who is like me, even a little.

You can't imagine how awesome it feels to ramble incessestly with people who have similar interests, thoughts, beliefs and ideas as me. People who don't really care if you are anonymous or in your face, people who seem to actually care about your few blurbs about your day, and people who take the time to recommend a series or shoe or whatever it is that you have questions about. Tweeple only care about what you care about. That is the appeal of twitter.com.

When I tweet, people listen. They don't ask who I am or quiz me about my lifestyle or my choices. (Hell, with only 140 characters, who could?) Instead they respond exactly to what I said, and I in turn do the same for them. And I love it. Some tweet more than others, some I have not even seen tweet since I have had my account. But when they do, they suddenly matter to me, and on some level, I feel like I matter to them. Thank you twitter, for helping me find a place, no matter how small and virtual, that I feel just a little bit more like the real me.

Am I getting...old?

Yeah, today I went to the store for a few snacks for me and the bf, and decided to grab some beer while I was there. Now I know that some cashiers are trying to be nice and all, and I know that when you go to your local store they recognize you and don't always card you, but today I was at a place I rarely if ever shop at. And, no, I was not carded. Again, this should not be a big deal to me. So why is it?

Lately, I haven't been able to clear my mind. I am constantly thinking of time flying by me, and this little action today seemed to reinforce these thoughts for me. The cashier couldn't have been more than 19 or 20 years old. She must have seen me as someone older, someone approaching middle age, or at the very least, someone who looked the part, right? Or maybe she just didn't give a damn, and didn't feel like doing the math in her head. Ha, that is what I have to hope for. That I just had a lazy cashier. Wow. Otherwise, I have to think of the alternative, that I really am getting old.

I suppose getting old bothers me because I have never fully lived my life the way I have always felt I should be. I spend so much time trying to identify myself, analyze everything (hell, what's this?), and hide each and every detail, but on some level I am scared of never really getting to live it. I don't want to be fifty, thinking that maybe I should have come clean years ago. Before I was no longer being carded for beer by college students. And before the shit hits the fan and ruins my life. Scootch dramatic? Yeah, probably. Screw it, I think I will just enjoy one of these beers, and keep trying to figure out what being yuri is really all about. I hope I am not crazy, I really do. And above all else, I hope I make the right choice, whatever and whenever that is.

Odd convo with the bf

I had a weird conversation with my boyfriend last night. We were laying in bed, getting ready to fall asleep when somehow we got on the topic of the internet and how it may have changed psychology. I think we were talking about some girls arguing on facebook, and how ten or twenty years ago, people didn't argue as bad or throw words around because you couldn't hide behind your monitor. He went on to talk about how people stay anonymous on the internet but have heated interchanges, share their deepest thoughts, and open up to complete strangers without having to reveal themselves if they don't want to. That was odd...part of me wanted to know why he brought that up specifically, but I was afraid to ask. Could he have meant me? That kind of makes me nervous. I guess I could be reading too much into it, but still. I don't know, maybe thing have changed in my head. My psyche could be all screwed up, sending off mixed signals and rapid-fire pictures of lady boobs above my head. Heh, doubtful. Funny, but doubtful.

Good weekend...

The weekend was good. I had a barbecue at the house, some people came over, it was a lot of fun. I got to see some friends and aquaintances I hadn't seen in quite a while, and even meet a couple new people who up until now I had only seen in passing. It was a really good weekend for me to unwind, especially after everything with the bf hit the fan this past week. I really thought for a second that this shit ruined us. I guess I have to get a grip though too, because it isn't always easy dealing with me. You do kind of see who your friends are when you go through a rough patch with a significant other though. My friend Anna, for example, refused to come. I have NO idea why, as if it really had anything to do with her at all. Whatever, my girl Cheri did, and that is always nice. She lives a ways away, so we don't hang out as often as I would like, and she works crazy hours so we only get to talk once in a blue moon, but we still manage to stay pretty close.

Cheri came with her hubbie, along with a couple girls from the burlesque party a few weeks ago. It was cool to see them in a totally different element, even though the two main girls at the party are now on the outs, but they managed to stay civil. Another friend of a friend came with her boyfriend and it was nice to see her again, since I hadn't for more than a year. She had her first child so she has been pretty busy with that. My good friend Nicole showed up too, and that is always nice. She is my wine girl. We can enjoy a glass of red together while the rest of the lot drinks beer or Crown. Not that we don't love our beer, but at that moment, we just wanted a glass of the good stuff. Ah, good times.

I think I will have another barbecue when it warms up a bit more soon. I really did enjoy everyone there. And being that me and the Mr. were going through a bit of a rough patch, it was nice to just unwind and enjoy the moment for what it was. I do live for moments, don't I? This was no exception. Next week, my bff Tiffany is having her housewarming, and I am sure to see many of the same people again. I hope so actually. There is one girl there that I find exceptionally pleasing to talk to...but I won't get into that right now. I need to slow down before I hurt myself. Haha, I don't even know this girl. But she just has that, thing, you know? Boy, the bf and I really need to have a talk...

Why the HELL do I even BOTHER???

Ugh! Why the hell does everything have to get fucked up right when I feel like I'm beginning to understand my relationship??? For some fucking reason, my IDIOT boyfriend thinks it is a good idea to talk to some chick behind my back who I USED to be friends with. And I don't mean like a casual, once in a blue moon email. Now they want to go to lunch, discuss ME and WTF ever else comes to mind. Now, I suppose it wouldn't bother me as much if he had told me any of this shit was going on, but he is lying to me! That really pisses me off!

Now I know some would say that I am being a hypocrite because I, too, am keeping being yuri, which is something pretty deep about myself from him, but that is BULLSHIT. I have NEVER once acted on my feelings before. Not to any serious extent at all, and that is ONLY because of my love and respect of our relationship. This matters to me. I wouldn't, no, couldn't do that to him, but this is what I get in return? OMFG I am so pissed right now. I could choke that stupid bitch too, I really could. I would LOVE to know if her husband knows about their little dates. I should tell him. Ugh, maybe I should just follow my head instead of my heart. Bet that shit is a LOT more fun than this...

Back to Anna

So I have been hanging out more with Anna lately. We finally got together for another double date night with the guys and headed back to her place after for some wine. I love that the summer is coming again. We always see more of each other then. I suppose it is just too cold in the winter to want to do much of anything. But with summer, we can go to the beach, have barbeques, ice cream dates, everything! As much as I look forward to it though, it's kind of bittersweet.

This won't be the first time I have gone down this road with Anna. And since she has no idea what is really going on in my head, she goes on being her normal self while I follow my typical yuri cycle when it comes to friends. With Anna its particularly hard because we are not just friends, we are pretty close and have confided in each other many times. This is really one of the only things she doesn't know about me. I would even go as far to say that she knows more about me than my boyfriend does. That does make it harder when I start to spiral downward and find it harder to control my desires. The only two options I have are to deal with it or ignore her. Neither works for long though. It always comes rushing back.

I worry what Anna would think of me if she knew. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't like keeping things from her. She is one of my best friends. If I told her and she hated me, however, I wouldn't be able to handle that. It's so weird and depressing at the same time. I already know that as soon as we start spending more time together, I will get more and more wrapped up in the way she makes me feel, and within months crash and ignore her. Then she gets hurt, but I don't know how to avoid it. Last time we didn't talk for a while. Then we started messaging, then texting, then calling and finally hanging out again. Hell, I can't even be sure I won't blurt it out one day over a wine-fueled confession session. Man, I really wish I knew exactly what would happen. I really do.

Is confession really good for the soul?

I have been thinking a lot about myself and who I am recently, and how much it seems to help that I try and put it all into words. I like having a bit of myself to look back on, especially a part I have yet to share with anyone else. I really want to tell my best friend and my boyfriend how I feel but it seems to hard. It also seems stupid. I guess it isn't really, since I feel so strongly that yuri is who I am, but at the same time, I wonder if it would even be worth it. Can I stay in my little world forever without anyone ever knowing? What if I can't? What happens if it all comes out one day?

I worry about who I would hurt. Obviously, my boyfriend comes to mind right away. The thing is, I don't necessarily feel like I HAVE to act on my desires. Sure, I want to. I have been tempted to on many an occasion. But what if by confessing, it doesn't come on as strong? Since I have always lived with the way I feel bottled up inside, I can't really tell if spilling would help at all. The way I am is so whacked out and unusual that I can't even compare myself to anyone. What is my boyfriend supposed to think? I can just imagine that conversation. You like girls, but not like that? Wait, you like them...sexually? Really? But you don't want to "be" with a girl. But you can imagine having sex with one? But you don't have feelings for girls like "that?" And sometimes you find yourself sexually attracted to a friend who you are also close to, but can't stand the thought of the two overlapping? And you say you love me, huh? I'm done...

I am truly afraid of that. I love my boyfriend so much. I don't want to do anything to ruin what we have, but how long can I really go on like this? Should I go on like this? Honestly, what is the right thing to do? Sometimes I feel like I will be stuck like this forever...I hope not. I just want to feel normal again.

Gay girls sure know how to party!

I went to a friends birthday party this weekend. Her name is "Diana." She is in a pretty serious relationship with her girlfriend, a girl I knew from high school. As long as I have known Di, she has been gay, however "Tanja," my friend from way back when, only became gay when she met Di. I don't think anyone really saw that coming, but it works. Anyway, They invited my boyfriend and I over since they were having a themed party, kinda like Fat Tuesday meets old school burlesque. Wow, was this party interesting! Since Di and Tanja are gay, most of the friends that were over there were gay as well. I can't be 100% sure, but I would say there were about twenty girls there and maybe five were straight. And that's a very conservative estimate. Most of the guys were obviously straight, but there were a handful of gay guys there. Everyone was pretty cool too, considering I knew almost no one.

Did I mention that her friends are HOT? Holy hell, these girls know how to dress for looks! They were wearing corsets, lacy boy shorts, fishnets, and boas for the select few. They were strutting around in stilettos handing out beads and drinks to everyone who came in. FAB-U-LOUS! Funny part was that when I called to confirm, they jokingly said my boyfriend would probably enjoy the "festivities" more than me. They were sooooo wrong...

Being yuri while surrounded by a group of very attractive and very inebriated half-dressed women I have never met before was amazing. Girls love to cuddle, whether gay or straight. I was totally okay with this. And my boyfriend didn't care, all the girls and their sexy clothes were plenty distracting for him. Then, around midnight, the evening just got better, for who should stroll in? Yes, strippers.

Okay, to be completely honest, most of the girls actually at the party were much nicer looking than the girls stripping. They were a bit detached, but they were doling out lap dances, and most were going to the girls, so that was a nice show. The birthday girl got hers first, then they spread out amongst the guests. Even my boyfriend got one, but I was left out due to my "straightness." Damn, that sux.

Oh well, the highlight of the evening came when Di took a cue from the dancing entertainment and drunkenly dragged her very drunk and very hot girlfriend Tanja to the floor. She gave her a lapdance that made me wish my boyfriend had stayed home for a few minutes...Picking a slow and sexy R&B number, sitting her on the chair...Tanja was so nervous at first, you could see it in her face. but when Di wrapped her legs around Tanja's waist and slowly moved her body up and down, wow. Just, wow. They had the whole room watching them. She was wrapping her boa around Tanja's neck, pulling her face into her tightly corseted chest, damn. Tanja was getting into it at that point, rubbing her hands along Di's back, down to her tight, lace-covered ass. God it was hot.

Just once, I want something like that. I don't even want her to call me after. I want a party where I can dress sexy yet classy, and get a dance from a gorgeous woman who kisses me after, maybe even a little more...next time, next time.

It feels so damn wrong! Right?

You have got to be kidding me! There it goes again! Everytime I hear that Katy Perry song, I start to lose it. I can't stand it! Its been months now and I still hear that stupid song at least once a day. She has another single, just let it go already! "I kissed a girl," yes, honey we get it. You liked it. I am pretty damn sure my boyfriend would mind it. Still, I have to wonder what it is about that damn song that gets me so worked up.

Truth be told, I guess I am a bit jealous. Here she is, rising to fame and fortune while spouting her melodious yuri propaganda and I can't even confess myself to even the best of my friends. Maybe I should call Katy Perry. Figure out how she did it. I swear, you listen to the words, and it feels like she's mocking me. But still, she didn't just write the words did she? She has to have some idea of what it is like to see someone, catch their eye and see them looking back at you the same way. How rare is that...and even more rare, to follow through.

Katy, you must really be one of the luckiest women on the world. You rose to fame and fortune being yourself, confessing lyrics that most people don't admit to even understanding. Me, I am too afraid to talk to anything more than a computer screen. This is the end of the line for me Katy. You are kind of like a super hero to someone like me. Or a role model. A totally gorgeous role model. Love you Katy. And just so you know, I would totally kiss you...

Coworkers suck

You have NO idea how bad I wanted to choke one of my coworkers today! She is the typical bitch who sees the world through narrow minded, black-and-white Gucci sunglasses that you want to cram down her hate filled throat.

It all started when she wedged her way into a conversation I was having with one of my friends during lunch. You see, I do not consider everyone at work a friend. She-Bitch does. This is probably because she is a sniveling, whiney little shit and thus found that this is the only way she can claim to have any at all. My actual friend and I were talking about our weekend plans and naturally She-Bitch feels the need to interject. Apparently she is going out again this weekend with her really rich and fabulous faux-friends but has a problem with one in particular.

Evidentially, they have done "everything" there is to do in this town and now a newer friend of theirs wants to go to a gay club since she feels like they have better music. Said friend isn't from around here, where we have limited access to techno music. Gay clubs however, tend to play it constantly. So I get it. She-Bitch seems lost on the idea. It appears, very annoyed by it as well.

It would seem that she worries about how this little outing to the "homo club" will make them all look, and is concerned about the state of mind her new clique member is in. My friend and I knew where this was going. We just looked at each other. Then she says it.

"Obviously she is a total fucking flamer." I SHIT you not. This is a direct quote from her. It's like the shit just keeps spewing! I think it is pretty clear that while I am not ready to accept myself on the truest of levels and that in its own is a major flaw of mine, I will not lump people into A and B categories to fit my own damn agenda. She does this shit constantly. I mean really. Flamer? While I can acknowledge that Yuri isn't exactly a household word, flamer, flaming, and flamboyant have become a homosexual staple! If you hear flamer and gay in the same sentence, do you really think of some random rich chick checking out a gay club with her friends on the weekend? No! You think of Mark of "Ugly Betty" or Jack from "Will and Grace" or some other flamboyant MALE personality. Dumb She-Bitch couldn't even get the gender right. I fail to understand how she could think that every flippin euphemism for homosexual, whether derogatory or not, fits every type homosexual out there! You wouldn't have called Jack a dyke now would you? But try and point something like this out to a brain dead moron, and you only kill your own brain a little more in the process.

"Flamer? Really? Are you serious? That doesn't even make any sense. Besides, I can totally feel your friend. I like gay clubs better because of the music too. Name one other club around her that plays techno all night besides them." Her response?

"Well yeah, but your sympathetic." WTF? My friend actually leaned in between us at that moment. Apparently she thought I would honestly lose my job over some fucktard like this. Tempting, but I have bills to pay. I just glared at her and walked away. She-Bitch just gave me a stupid confused look like she always does when she pisses me off. Fuck, I hate her. But this time, I hate her even more than usual. I really need to stop taking her bullshit personally. And I really need to find a new job.

I think I'm addicted to low self-esteem

Really. I know that sounds crazy, but I am always drawn to those girls that seem to not know what the hell they really have going for themselves. I think they are hot. They think they are too fat, or too scrawny, or they have a big nose, or dimpled thighs. What the Fuck. Seriously. There is nothing wrong with the women of the world. There is something wrong with the way women are looked at. God, I can't stand it. Shit, I guess I'm no better really...fuck...I have to put down the wine...

Seriously, I think something is wrong with me

There are times when I drift off, thinking about what kind of person I have become. I sit here, wondering if anyone really understands what I am going through, what is happening in my mind when I think the things I think, and want the things I want.

I find myself troubled by the notion that I can be emotionally invested in a person and at the same time physically attracted to them with absolutely no desire for the two to overlap. Quite the opposite actually. My closest friends are few and far in between. They mean the world to me. So why on earth would I be willing to compromise everything for a sexual attraction that isn’t even supposed to go anywhere?

I really do feel like there’s something wrong with me. I suppose most people would agree, which is why I loathe bringing it up at all. I suppose writing is my only outlet, and the chance that someone else out there might be like me is my only hope. I don’t even want to feel like this. It’s hard. When my friend comes to me with a problem, I want to be there for her. I should be there for her. And yet when it happens, it can get so overwhelming to try to separate the two personalities and I fail her. What is wrong with me? For years I have been able to suppress this desire, but it seems to come back with a vengeance, getting steadily stronger as I get older.

I hate myself sometimes because of this. I mean, I love my friends as if they were my family. They are always there for me, at any turn. I owe them the same. But during these crazy moments, when my head can’t seem to let go of what my body is telling me, it’s like they don’t matter anymore. At least not in that way. All I can think about, all I can see is her lips before me, her eyes gazing into mine, and I want to be with her more than ever.

When everything is in good spirits and we are having fun, I don’t feel guilty about the way I feel. It’s the days she comes to me dismayed about her soon to be husband or stressed about work, I feel like shit. I find myself so wrapped up in this twisted obsession with her that I can’t even focus on her words, instead I wind up doing one of two things. Either I ignore her entirely by pretending to be busy or unavailable, or I let myself fall into this insanity again, taking her for drinks while fawning over her every word, not really hearing them but pretending to. I beg her to stay, all the while keeping the drinks flowing in hopes that this time it will be different. And what if it was? What then? What if it really happened this time? Am I really okay with hurting those that matter to me the most merely because I can’t let go of the moment?

The latter happened to me again this weekend, and I spent the next few days trying to figure out how I could have let this happen again. I barely remember a word that was spoken, but her rosy lips and beautiful eyes are vibrant in my mind. I spent my weekend drinking the pain away once again. God I’m a bad person. I just don’t know where to turn or what to do. I am so, so sorry. I really hate myself right now…

Remembering Anna

I am bored at work today, and it gets me thinking about a girl who I became good friends with that used to work here. I'll call her Anna. Anna was always a ton of fun, we used to message each other all day even though I sat right next to her. We confided in one another a lot too, and became pretty close as a result. We even started hanging out outside of work, coming over to each others houses and having a few beers or on rare occasions getting to go out for drinks. She likes wine, and can drink a ton of it in one sitting if you let her. I guess we both can. The boys would usually have some beers and we would crack open bottle after bottle, sometimes making plans that we quickly abandoned as the bottles kept coming. Those nights were always fun.

I remember one night in particular. We decided to go out and have some drinks at a local dive we enjoy. I was excited. I loved our double dates, and they were becoming fewer and farther in between since Anna had just had a new baby not long before. Plus, any excuse to get all dressed up and cute was something to look forward to. My boyfriend and I hopped in the car and headed over to her place pretty early, somewhere around 6pm. We get there and she is still getting ready, and I head into the kitchen to pour us a glass of wine before we go out. I pop the bottle and pour, one glass for me, one for her and head to their bedroom. She was standing at the dresser fussing with her hair, an open jewelry box in front of her. She turns and smiles and we give each other hello hugs and toast our glasses. She takes a sip and turns back to doing her hair. She grimaces.

"Ugh! I hate my hair! Why did you let me cut it off again?" Here we go, she hates her hair again. This was the norm, she would come in after a spontaneous haircut and we were always to blame. Still makes me smile just thinking about it.

"Are you serious? You look hotter than ever!" I meant that. Anna did look stunning in her tight blue jeans and black droop neck halter. She hadn't quite lost her pregnancy breasts either and it was hard not to notice. Her olive skin was lightly freckled on her chest, shoulders and nose, and her makeup was immaculate-as usual. Smokey eyes and pursed pink lips never looked better. She pulled her fingers through her chestnut mane giving it one final spike and huffed.

"Forget it! I will just look hideous!" she declared loudly. I couldn't help but laugh. She is always dramatic about these things. "Help me pick out my jewelry."

She pulls out a strand of big, chunky faux-pearls and holds it against her neck. The strand was long and dangled between the droop of the shirt.

"Those!" I blurted out quickly. "With matching earrings. You know, so they stand out."

"Really? Huh. Okay then," she announced. "I'm ready!" We clinked our glasses and took a couple big gulps. Then we snatched up the boys and were on our way.

*****

We get to the local pub and right away we stood out. Packed with local fishermen and the blue collar set, we looked like a lost bunch with our stilettos and halter tops. While I didn't mind the attention, she loved it. And there was plenty of it. Even with our men on our arms, the heads kept turning. They sat us at a booth near the bar and Anna pulls me to the seat next to her. For when we have to go to the ladies room, she cooed. So cute. We ordered our first round of drinks, beers again for the guys, and some cosmos for us. When they arrived, we toasted our evening out and took a sip.

"Holy shit that's strong!" Anna sputters. "What the hell is in these things anyway?"

"Dunno. I don't usually get them. I'm more of a vodka-cran type of girl," I reply after wincing. It really was a pretty potent drink. "Besides, the only time I even drink this kind of thing is when we go out."

"My mom turned me on to vodka and soda recently. Those are good. I'll order us some."

"Honey, I'm not going to return a drink. I'll finish this one." I said. "It's not a big deal. Besides, the food will soak it up." I chuckled and she laughed.

"I'll just order the next round now! It will get here with the food." She flags down the server and orders us the drinks. "Do you guys want another round too?" She asks her hubbie and my boyfriend.

"Nah, looks like I'll be driving," hubbie jokes.

I knew right then we were in for a fun night. It was one of those rare evenings when the girls could be girls, the boys could be boys, and we still all could have fun together. We ate, we drank, we drank some more...we would giggle amongst ourselves as our guys discussed work, order shooters and appetizers, and run to the restroom every twenty minutes. I could feel myself losing control, swirling more and more into the moment, not caring who saw. It seems so out of place for me, which felt wonderful. Even though my boyfriend was right across from me, I couldn't stop myself from taking her arm in mine, squeezing her hand or touching her hair. And when she would lay her hand on my arm or my thigh, or spontaneously throw her arms around me, it was pure bliss. I absolutely adored her.

By the time we left the bar, we were smashed. I can barely remember getting to the car but I know that on the ride home she laid her head in my lap as I stroked her hair. I was too drunk to keep my eyes open very long, but there was one brief moment where she looked up at me, catching my gaze and blew me a kiss. Even like that she was beautiful.

We arrived home and stumbled into the house. We didn't bother to say much else to anyone and instead went straight to bed. We laid down, still dressed and wrapped our arms around each other. We barely had enough strength to pull up the covers. As we held each other, she started to doze, but before she did, she whispers to me.

"You're one of my best friends, Yuri. I love you."

"We will always be best friends, Anna. I love you too." I whispered back. Then we leaned in and kissed. Softly. Her eyes were closed, but I saw her smile. Then she was asleep. And so was I.

The next morning we all woke up, enjoyed coffee and pastries for breakfast, and mused about the night before. I didn't remember much, and Anna seemed to remember even less. It was like it always was, and I couldn't help but think - perfect...almost. I really should call her again...

Let me explain...

Where do people go when they don’t know who else to turn to? When they feel alone? I feel like this all the time and I don’t know why exactly. I guess I don’t think I fit in anywhere. Let me explain a bit more about myself so you can understand. I am a woman. By all accounts, I am a straight woman. Very straight. I am in a happy, fulfilling, and loving relationship with a man. So I should be fine, right? But I’m not. And its all because of a bizarre attraction that is hard to explain, and even harder to understand.

I am yuri. By all accounts, this term is loosely and more importantly self defined. Most people relate this to the lesbian genre manga and anime, and you would be right to assume that is where the name came from. But I said I am not gay so then how do I identify with it? It helps to understand that yuri is a disturbingly complex genre. Without getting into it too deeply, suffice it to say that yuri stems from "the contemporary understanding that same-sex love was a transitory and normal part of female development," according to Wikipedia.

It also helped me to decide upon this idiom by trying to figure out what I am not. First and foremost, I am not gay. I have no desire to be in any sort of long term, intimate relationship with another woman. None. I know many of you will just assume I’m in denial, or maybe homophobic, and that’s fine. However, I promise you this is not the case. My love interests peak with men, especially now that I found the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. And sex, well sex is just phenomenal with a man, particularly when you are in love. Even though sex with a woman is equally fulfilling physically, emotionally, I remain unattached. On a side note, another much less profound reason is the word lesbian. Quite frankly, it turns me off. If that offends you, my apologies, but I am sure I’m not the only one who thinks that way.

I am also not bi. I feel this way because to truly be a bisexual, I feel like you can fall in love equally with either man or woman, based solely on who they are and how compatible you are. That’s not me either. While I have had sex with women, I have never fallen in love with any. Again, naysayers may assume I just have never met the right woman, but again this goes on feeling. I don’t see women the same way I see men. I may find a woman physically attractive, perhaps even desire a woman to a certain extent, but I don’t love them. I can be close to a woman, I can desire a woman, sometimes these intermix, but it never feels the same as when I am in a relationship with a man. The way he makes me feel, the way I want to make him feel, the steady ongoing passion coupled with an affection that lasts is what makes it so different than my sentiment towards a woman. Sure, there are girls out there who screw around with their peers after a drunken college party and call themselves bi, but come on. Screwing your slutty friends for the benefit of some guys gawking does not an identity make. To truly call yourself bisexual, you have to be bisexual for yourself. Not for the cameras or the attention. And not just because you don’t fit in anywhere else.

So then what am I? I’m not gay, I’m not bi, I’m happy, but not quite complete. I am an anomaly. I suppose I am also a bit selfish. When I am around a woman I like, I want to touch them, to feel them, even kiss them but not love them. And I don’t want them to love me. It’s an attraction for the moment. It’s something quite fleeting, even amongst the women in my life everyday. I want to run my fingers through her hair, to glide my fingers down her spine. To feel a gentle kiss become an explosion of passion that fades the second we part ways. And the next day, we can go back to chatting about work and bitching about boyfriends, just like the way things always were. But the world tells me this is weird. The world tells me this is wrong. The world tells me there is no place like that for someone like me. So finally, I decided to make one of my own. Welcome world, to Secret Yuri...