Her...

It's not going to work. Trying to pretend I am someone else after all these years is not happening for me. I love my life the way it is and yet it is incomplete. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Stupid, stupid Sy. I thought that keeping a journal of events, of my feelings, thoughts and experiences both past and present would help me get over all this. Or at least come to some sort of terms with it. Ha, yeah, right.

Can I tell you? Me and my boyfriend have sex more than ever because of this shit. Back to the sex that seemed to wipe my memory of any and everything I am going through. I can faithfully say I thought this was the end of it. Why? I don't know...this isn't the first time I have tried to put my past behind me. I guess I felt like since I was making an honest effort this time, it would work. Stupid, like I said. Mmmm...but the sexual attraction is still there. And its getting worse...fuck, I'm going to bed...to dream...of her...

The grocery store girl

I got hit on by a girl at the grocery store the other day. Not that unusual to get hit on by either sex at least once in a blue moon, but this time, my boyfriend was right there with me. On the few occasions that I have been approached by a guy while he was around, I would merely make it obvious we were together and that was that. But come on? How many times does a girl even hit on another girl without first knowing if she even swings that way first? Maybe that's why, for the first few minutes, I didn't even get it.

She was helping us bag our groceries when she started talking to me. I must admit, she was quite cute in a slightly boyish way. Sweet smile, sandy blond hair, and a light sprinkle of freckles, which I adore anyway. But I honestly hadn't even been looking at her like that. She began asking about the beer we were buying, telling me about a type she enjoys, and before I knew it, my boyfriend was poking me in the ribs and winking at me. She went from idle chit chat to how she was going out, that I should totally go, she knows a place that serves the beer she mentioned, she would totally buy the first round, etc. She was so slick that I didn't even notice that she was finished bagging us up, my boyfriend was standing behind me with the heavy groceries, and we were still talking. Wow, talk about an airhead moment. She even said I should ask for her next time I come in. Sweet...

I must admit, I was flattered. She was younger, obviously quite confident, and picked me of all people to try her game on. That doesn't happen that often to me, guy or girl. And as soon as those automatic doors closed behind us on the way out, the bf immediately blurts out "She liikkes you!" I'm sure I blushed a little. Even still, ego boost duly noted.

All girl is all better (club that is...)

I had a fabulous time one eve last week. It all started when my bff Tiffany convinced me to go out with her and our friend Tanja to a local gay club. Odd thing is, while I have been to many "gay" clubs that tend to be half or mostly male oriented, this was honestly the first time I could say I have been to an all girl lesbian club. I must say, I had a blast. If you are a fan of yuri (as in anime), a gay girl club is not a bad place to be. Plus, you get to avoid the annoyance of being hit on by random drunk guys which is a total plus, but I digress.

The way the girls interact with one another is unusual but very pleasing. In a straight club, two girls kissing always mean they are trying to rile up a group of guys somewhere near by. It is always some softcore sloppy tongue kiss with a bit of boob groping. Bleh. Since there really no guys in the club we went to, you know that is not the case (not that they would want to anyway). Plus, they are more sensual, more emotional with each other. Holding, cuddling, even when not really thinking about it.

Even the way a girl hits on you in a club like this is different. When a woman approches you, it is always calm and nonthreatening. Now that is not to say she is meek or shy or anything like that. Quite the contrary actually. They seem to have more confidence, more know-how in the way of approaching another woman. Even after explaining that I am straight, their light touches or continuing conversation didn't feel pushy like it seems when a guy does the same. I even accepted a few dances from some of the girls, both femme and stud.

By the by, stud is something totally new to me. Not that I haven't seen lesbians who tend to be more masculine, I never knew it was a bit of a subculture. And while I, myself, am not really attracted to it, I can see the appeal and enjoyed hanging out with them as well. The oddest thing for me I think was to watch a stud dance quite provocatively with a girl and then do the same with another stud. There are no lines and that is cool, kinda like how I usually feel. All things considered, I had a great time, and no matter how things go, I wouldn't mind going back. Who knew?

Sometimes I just need a girls night out

If there ever was a time I needed to go have a beer with a good friend last night was it-and I didn't even know it. My best friend Tiffany called me to go have drinks at our local "Cheers" not far from where we live. We call it that because its the one place we always go, and the people know us there now. She texted about needing someone to talk to, and naturally I had to go. Its what good friends do. I am glad I did.

At first, I thought it was going to be a quick night. But we ended up chatting over a pitcher, musing over her new crush, and joking about my swinger neighbors. As conversations mixed with drinks tend to go, we soon got on the topic of sex. Then I say it.

"What if he is into girl on girl stuff? I can't even say I wouldn't do it again."

I saw her face. It was almost quizzical, like she couldn't figure out the answer to a really hard math problem. But then she did something amazing. She smiled. And kind of, agreed.

"Yeah, I'm not saying I wouldn't do it, like ever or anything. I just don't think I could get into a girl like that. That's all. And I couldn't know her. That shit would make it weird."

Okay, so she ignored the whole "again" bit. That's good. I wasn't ready for that yet. Even though Tiff is one of my best, closest and oldest friends, she never really knew about me dabbling into the other side before, or that I didn't quite give it up. We need a much longer girls night for that talk.

We went on to discuss how she feels that being with a girl is mostly foreplay, and how she kind of understands how it works out if you love someone but not if you just need a "fix" if it were, and I couldn't help but keep her talking. On our walk home, we were giddily discussing sex versus porn sex when it comes to what we would be willing to try. How we have been friends that long and never had this conversation I will never know. Maybe my little diary thing is making me just comfortable enough that I can open up with those that really do deserve to know me heart, mind, and soul.

Thanks, Tiff, for making me just that much less crazy. While it doesn't make her "yuri" or me any less so, it was oddly liberating to know that she didn't think sex, with a woman, but with no regard for a future is inherently evil. And though are views on why are different, the end is only a few beats from where I stand. So, I'm kinda not alone, right? Maybe one day, I will even be able to point to this, smile and say, "Hey, thats us...and this is me."