Perfect Sentiment

I found this while searching online...this is so beautiful, and yet strangly so sad. I hope it touches someone like it touched me.



Click it to see it bigger.

Can anyone help me in which manga this is from? I want to give the author the proper credit they deserve. Thanx.

EDIT: Thank you Erin, for identifying this piece for me! "It's from "Maria-sama ga Miteru" by Konno Oyuki and Nagasawa Satoru." She has posted a link in the comments below.

Wow...Twitter DOES rock...

I am officially addicted to twitter and my new tweeple. I know, if anyone out there really knew me personally you would know how ridiculous this seems but it is true. It really is very theraputic to have an outlet, and while it seems to have increased my thoughts about women in general, it makes me really look at myself as well. And then, with discovering twitter, I feel like I really have a chance to find someone out there who is like me, even a little.

You can't imagine how awesome it feels to ramble incessestly with people who have similar interests, thoughts, beliefs and ideas as me. People who don't really care if you are anonymous or in your face, people who seem to actually care about your few blurbs about your day, and people who take the time to recommend a series or shoe or whatever it is that you have questions about. Tweeple only care about what you care about. That is the appeal of twitter.com.

When I tweet, people listen. They don't ask who I am or quiz me about my lifestyle or my choices. (Hell, with only 140 characters, who could?) Instead they respond exactly to what I said, and I in turn do the same for them. And I love it. Some tweet more than others, some I have not even seen tweet since I have had my account. But when they do, they suddenly matter to me, and on some level, I feel like I matter to them. Thank you twitter, for helping me find a place, no matter how small and virtual, that I feel just a little bit more like the real me.

Am I getting...old?

Yeah, today I went to the store for a few snacks for me and the bf, and decided to grab some beer while I was there. Now I know that some cashiers are trying to be nice and all, and I know that when you go to your local store they recognize you and don't always card you, but today I was at a place I rarely if ever shop at. And, no, I was not carded. Again, this should not be a big deal to me. So why is it?

Lately, I haven't been able to clear my mind. I am constantly thinking of time flying by me, and this little action today seemed to reinforce these thoughts for me. The cashier couldn't have been more than 19 or 20 years old. She must have seen me as someone older, someone approaching middle age, or at the very least, someone who looked the part, right? Or maybe she just didn't give a damn, and didn't feel like doing the math in her head. Ha, that is what I have to hope for. That I just had a lazy cashier. Wow. Otherwise, I have to think of the alternative, that I really am getting old.

I suppose getting old bothers me because I have never fully lived my life the way I have always felt I should be. I spend so much time trying to identify myself, analyze everything (hell, what's this?), and hide each and every detail, but on some level I am scared of never really getting to live it. I don't want to be fifty, thinking that maybe I should have come clean years ago. Before I was no longer being carded for beer by college students. And before the shit hits the fan and ruins my life. Scootch dramatic? Yeah, probably. Screw it, I think I will just enjoy one of these beers, and keep trying to figure out what being yuri is really all about. I hope I am not crazy, I really do. And above all else, I hope I make the right choice, whatever and whenever that is.

Odd convo with the bf

I had a weird conversation with my boyfriend last night. We were laying in bed, getting ready to fall asleep when somehow we got on the topic of the internet and how it may have changed psychology. I think we were talking about some girls arguing on facebook, and how ten or twenty years ago, people didn't argue as bad or throw words around because you couldn't hide behind your monitor. He went on to talk about how people stay anonymous on the internet but have heated interchanges, share their deepest thoughts, and open up to complete strangers without having to reveal themselves if they don't want to. That was odd...part of me wanted to know why he brought that up specifically, but I was afraid to ask. Could he have meant me? That kind of makes me nervous. I guess I could be reading too much into it, but still. I don't know, maybe thing have changed in my head. My psyche could be all screwed up, sending off mixed signals and rapid-fire pictures of lady boobs above my head. Heh, doubtful. Funny, but doubtful.

Good weekend...

The weekend was good. I had a barbecue at the house, some people came over, it was a lot of fun. I got to see some friends and aquaintances I hadn't seen in quite a while, and even meet a couple new people who up until now I had only seen in passing. It was a really good weekend for me to unwind, especially after everything with the bf hit the fan this past week. I really thought for a second that this shit ruined us. I guess I have to get a grip though too, because it isn't always easy dealing with me. You do kind of see who your friends are when you go through a rough patch with a significant other though. My friend Anna, for example, refused to come. I have NO idea why, as if it really had anything to do with her at all. Whatever, my girl Cheri did, and that is always nice. She lives a ways away, so we don't hang out as often as I would like, and she works crazy hours so we only get to talk once in a blue moon, but we still manage to stay pretty close.

Cheri came with her hubbie, along with a couple girls from the burlesque party a few weeks ago. It was cool to see them in a totally different element, even though the two main girls at the party are now on the outs, but they managed to stay civil. Another friend of a friend came with her boyfriend and it was nice to see her again, since I hadn't for more than a year. She had her first child so she has been pretty busy with that. My good friend Nicole showed up too, and that is always nice. She is my wine girl. We can enjoy a glass of red together while the rest of the lot drinks beer or Crown. Not that we don't love our beer, but at that moment, we just wanted a glass of the good stuff. Ah, good times.

I think I will have another barbecue when it warms up a bit more soon. I really did enjoy everyone there. And being that me and the Mr. were going through a bit of a rough patch, it was nice to just unwind and enjoy the moment for what it was. I do live for moments, don't I? This was no exception. Next week, my bff Tiffany is having her housewarming, and I am sure to see many of the same people again. I hope so actually. There is one girl there that I find exceptionally pleasing to talk to...but I won't get into that right now. I need to slow down before I hurt myself. Haha, I don't even know this girl. But she just has that, thing, you know? Boy, the bf and I really need to have a talk...

Why the HELL do I even BOTHER???

Ugh! Why the hell does everything have to get fucked up right when I feel like I'm beginning to understand my relationship??? For some fucking reason, my IDIOT boyfriend thinks it is a good idea to talk to some chick behind my back who I USED to be friends with. And I don't mean like a casual, once in a blue moon email. Now they want to go to lunch, discuss ME and WTF ever else comes to mind. Now, I suppose it wouldn't bother me as much if he had told me any of this shit was going on, but he is lying to me! That really pisses me off!

Now I know some would say that I am being a hypocrite because I, too, am keeping being yuri, which is something pretty deep about myself from him, but that is BULLSHIT. I have NEVER once acted on my feelings before. Not to any serious extent at all, and that is ONLY because of my love and respect of our relationship. This matters to me. I wouldn't, no, couldn't do that to him, but this is what I get in return? OMFG I am so pissed right now. I could choke that stupid bitch too, I really could. I would LOVE to know if her husband knows about their little dates. I should tell him. Ugh, maybe I should just follow my head instead of my heart. Bet that shit is a LOT more fun than this...

Back to Anna

So I have been hanging out more with Anna lately. We finally got together for another double date night with the guys and headed back to her place after for some wine. I love that the summer is coming again. We always see more of each other then. I suppose it is just too cold in the winter to want to do much of anything. But with summer, we can go to the beach, have barbeques, ice cream dates, everything! As much as I look forward to it though, it's kind of bittersweet.

This won't be the first time I have gone down this road with Anna. And since she has no idea what is really going on in my head, she goes on being her normal self while I follow my typical yuri cycle when it comes to friends. With Anna its particularly hard because we are not just friends, we are pretty close and have confided in each other many times. This is really one of the only things she doesn't know about me. I would even go as far to say that she knows more about me than my boyfriend does. That does make it harder when I start to spiral downward and find it harder to control my desires. The only two options I have are to deal with it or ignore her. Neither works for long though. It always comes rushing back.

I worry what Anna would think of me if she knew. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't like keeping things from her. She is one of my best friends. If I told her and she hated me, however, I wouldn't be able to handle that. It's so weird and depressing at the same time. I already know that as soon as we start spending more time together, I will get more and more wrapped up in the way she makes me feel, and within months crash and ignore her. Then she gets hurt, but I don't know how to avoid it. Last time we didn't talk for a while. Then we started messaging, then texting, then calling and finally hanging out again. Hell, I can't even be sure I won't blurt it out one day over a wine-fueled confession session. Man, I really wish I knew exactly what would happen. I really do.

Is confession really good for the soul?

I have been thinking a lot about myself and who I am recently, and how much it seems to help that I try and put it all into words. I like having a bit of myself to look back on, especially a part I have yet to share with anyone else. I really want to tell my best friend and my boyfriend how I feel but it seems to hard. It also seems stupid. I guess it isn't really, since I feel so strongly that yuri is who I am, but at the same time, I wonder if it would even be worth it. Can I stay in my little world forever without anyone ever knowing? What if I can't? What happens if it all comes out one day?

I worry about who I would hurt. Obviously, my boyfriend comes to mind right away. The thing is, I don't necessarily feel like I HAVE to act on my desires. Sure, I want to. I have been tempted to on many an occasion. But what if by confessing, it doesn't come on as strong? Since I have always lived with the way I feel bottled up inside, I can't really tell if spilling would help at all. The way I am is so whacked out and unusual that I can't even compare myself to anyone. What is my boyfriend supposed to think? I can just imagine that conversation. You like girls, but not like that? Wait, you like them...sexually? Really? But you don't want to "be" with a girl. But you can imagine having sex with one? But you don't have feelings for girls like "that?" And sometimes you find yourself sexually attracted to a friend who you are also close to, but can't stand the thought of the two overlapping? And you say you love me, huh? I'm done...

I am truly afraid of that. I love my boyfriend so much. I don't want to do anything to ruin what we have, but how long can I really go on like this? Should I go on like this? Honestly, what is the right thing to do? Sometimes I feel like I will be stuck like this forever...I hope not. I just want to feel normal again.