Back to Anna

So I have been hanging out more with Anna lately. We finally got together for another double date night with the guys and headed back to her place after for some wine. I love that the summer is coming again. We always see more of each other then. I suppose it is just too cold in the winter to want to do much of anything. But with summer, we can go to the beach, have barbeques, ice cream dates, everything! As much as I look forward to it though, it's kind of bittersweet.

This won't be the first time I have gone down this road with Anna. And since she has no idea what is really going on in my head, she goes on being her normal self while I follow my typical yuri cycle when it comes to friends. With Anna its particularly hard because we are not just friends, we are pretty close and have confided in each other many times. This is really one of the only things she doesn't know about me. I would even go as far to say that she knows more about me than my boyfriend does. That does make it harder when I start to spiral downward and find it harder to control my desires. The only two options I have are to deal with it or ignore her. Neither works for long though. It always comes rushing back.

I worry what Anna would think of me if she knew. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't like keeping things from her. She is one of my best friends. If I told her and she hated me, however, I wouldn't be able to handle that. It's so weird and depressing at the same time. I already know that as soon as we start spending more time together, I will get more and more wrapped up in the way she makes me feel, and within months crash and ignore her. Then she gets hurt, but I don't know how to avoid it. Last time we didn't talk for a while. Then we started messaging, then texting, then calling and finally hanging out again. Hell, I can't even be sure I won't blurt it out one day over a wine-fueled confession session. Man, I really wish I knew exactly what would happen. I really do.